


To understand poems

by Chaoskitten



Category: History Boys (2006), History Boys - Bennett
Genre: Dakin is the voice of reason, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Love Poems, M/M, Making Out, Mentions of alcohol, Realization, bit of fluff maybe, could fit into canon, my poor boy Posner deserves a happy ending, poem, poor oblivious boy, university is hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-07 20:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14678553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaoskitten/pseuds/Chaoskitten
Summary: “Most of the stuff poetry is about hasn’t happened to us yet“Timm`s words struck a chord in Scripps even though he didn't admit it out loud.It took him all of his school life and almost 2 years of university to finally understand love poems.Of course Dakin knew all along.





	1. “If I know what love is, it is because of you.” (— Herman Hesse)

**Author's Note:**

> So this sprung from a tumblr post I made   
> (http://love-life-dead-or-alive.tumblr.com/post/173637968603/attention-i-am-yet-again-history-boys-trash-d)
> 
> And yeah I just had to write it into a whole fic, obviously.

“Most of the stuff poetry is about hasn’t happened to us yet“ 

Listening to Timms and Hector argue about poetry held some kind of comfort. It happened quite often and Scripps found solace in it. He let his gaze drift around the room, skimming past his fellow students, wondering if they had any idea what they were talking about. Scripps knew that he didn't understand all of poetry. He never would admit it, like Timms did, but every time they were reading about all those Love stories, all this suffering people went through, for one person. He had friends of course, and he would be willing to do a fair amount for, but he had never experienced the kind of love and devotion, that poets were talking about for anyone. It was fair to say he was fairly young, but everyone else seemed to be much more experienced in this area.   
Dakin had Fiona. And seemed oddly interested in their new teacher, Irwin. Posner was blaringly and obviously in love with Dakin. Rudge had told him about some girl once…   
Sometimes he wondered if it was part of the reason why he decided to try church. It was way easier to excuse his lack of love life with celibacy, instead of having to explain or defend himself in front of friends or family all the time. He didn’t exactly regret his decision. The religion gave him some sense of purpose. But he couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if it really was the best use of his precious youth.  
He noticed how Posner was looking at Dakin again, that open adoration reflected on his features, and wondered if Posner understood those love poems.

He had been thinking like this often over the last few months. Life moved on somehow. Dakin actually made a move on Irwin. And a quite successful one, if his boasting about it was anything to go by. The whole dreadful business with Hector put a damper on everything for some time, but eventually they moved on. went to university. 

It was about in his second year of university, that Scripps seriously considered his religious involvement. His celibacy was only supposed to last this long, and after that he didn’t know what use going to church held for him. He did believe in some kind of God. But so much of the stuff they kept preaching just didn’t sit right with him.  
He had gotten into a serious argument with the pastor a few weeks back over the topic of homosexuality. And the outcome hadn’t exactly been a good one. He couldn’t understand how it could be wrong to love someone, when love was one of the greatest treasures in the bible. And he also couldn’t trust a church who condemned one of his friends for his lifestyle. Or two of them, he still wasn’t sure about Dakin’s adventures and what they really meant. But also it was Dakin’s business and not his. He just didn’t like the church judging his friend for who they loved...or slept with.

He was sitting at campus with Posner and Dakin one day. They had met up after courses were done for the week to catch up. And he can’t help but notice how Posner's gaze still stays on Dakin for an uncomfortably long time. Even now, two years after starting at Cambridge, he seems so hopelessly hung up on a man that has never really given him the time of day. He watched Posner watch Dakin for quite some time that day, and it didn’t sit well in his stomach to see his friend like this. But he didn’t dwell on this thought too long because he has a paper due on monday and two other assignments that need to be handed in on tuesday.

It’s not until they meet again a few weeks later, that he remembers that unsettling sensation sitting at the pit of his stomach. They are sitting under some trees and him and Posner sit side by side, while Dakin sits cross legged opposite them, talking about some party he was at, and some person he met there or hooked up with… Scripps lost the thread of conversation some minutes ago with all these new names being thrown around.  
“..and then he just kissed me, can you imagine? After I told him about Irwin and everything.” Dakin finishes his story and suddenly Scripps is pulled out of his thoughts by this sudden revelation. He’s uncomfortably aware of Posners body getting stiff beside him. Dakin looks at them both expectantly.  
“So you slept with him?” Posner pipes up quietly besides him, before Scripps can get any words out. Dakin laughs loudly and then shakes his head.  
“You`d like to know that, wouldn’t you?” he teases and reaches out to ruffle Posners hair. Posner beats away Dakins hand and pouts.   
“I obviously did not sleep with him. I told you last week I want to try again with Irwin.” he directs the last part at Scripps and laughs again at Posner’s antics.  
Scripps just nods, faintly remembering Dakin storming into his room somewhere in the night and half drunkenly rambling on about calling Irwin.   
He steals a glance at Posner, whos still pouting and looks kind of subdued at the thought of Dakin being with someone. There the strange feeling is again.

Its a few minutes later that Dakin says his goodbyes and strolls off across the green to his dorm rooms. Scripps turns to Posner and sees the hint of sadness in his eyes at watching Dakin go.  
He’s overcome with the urge to cheer him up and quickly rummages through his satchel, pulling out the sandwiches he packed before taking of to meet his friends. He bumps his shoulder against Posner’s and offers him one of the sandwiches. He knows it's one of his favourites, he made them with Posner in mind after all. He had noticed that Posner wasn’t eating enough.  
Posner smiles that sad half-smile Scripps has come to be so acquainted with and takes the offered sandwich, his fingertips touching Scripps hand. Scripps ignores the weird feeling starting in his belly and strikes up a conversation about a course they share.  
At his imitation of the teacher’s metaphor about words and money, he has Posner looking almost carefree again, only the seemingly always present lines of worry on his face still visible.  
The knot that had settled in his stomach uncoiles while he imitates an exaggerated gesture their teacher is famous for. And suddenly Posner is laughing again and he laughs with him, happy that he could cheer him up again. Posner takes over the conversation, going on about one of his professors, using excessive hand gestures and looking joyful again.

And while Scripps watches Posner talking, a poem comes into his mind. He had to read it for one of his courses last year. He liked the flow of words, but the meaning still seemed so foreign to him. He now thinks about this poem by Charles Wiles 

“If love were like water  
I’d build you a fountain,  
And if love were like stone  
I’d bring you a mountain.  
If love were like air  
I’d set whirlwinds free,  
But as these are not love  
I’ll just give you me.”

And in this moment he understands the poem. Because he would do anything to make Posner happy. He would be willing to try everything in his power to make this small melancholic boy happy. Even though he knows that all worldly things can’t make it right for him. But would still try. He is trying. And it strikes him so suddenly why that is.   
It’s such a sudden epiphany, he doesn’t know how to deal with it.  
He becomes aware of the silence around him and focuses back on Posner, who musters him curiously. He sees him drawing a breath, surely about to ask if he is alright, and Scripps just knows he won’t be able to deal with talking to him in this moment. It’s too much, too sudden.  
He hastily gets up, making up an excuse about some school stuff,not even listening to his own words. His blood is rushing so loud in his ears he worries he might become deaf from the sheer force of it. He quickly gathers his jacket and satchel and flees from the scene, not hearing Posners confused shouting behind him.

He runs the whole way until he reaches his dorm room, not caring what it might look like to other people. As soon as he’s safe behind the door he just lets himself fall to the floor and puts his head into his hands. He tries to drown out all those voices in his head, but his mind is filled with all those sonnets and poems Hector made them read and learn by heart. And he gets them. He understands the sorrow, the longing, the hurt. But also the happiness, the joy. And wonders how he never noticed his own feelings before. Because thinking back, it was glaringly obvious. He spends several hours in the same position, curled up on the floor of his room, trying to sort out the mess that his thoughts have become. Finally he gets up and drags himself to bed. But he can’t find sleep, thrashing around restless most of the night.

The next morning comes in form of a headache and a loud banging on his door. He gets up and distantly notices that he never changed his clothes yesterday. He trudges to his door, not ready to face anyone but still wanting the banging to stop.  
“What's it?” he calls through the door  
“What it is? Aren’t you gonna let me in?” Dakins voice booms from the other side of the door and Scripps sighs. Raking his fingers through his hair, in the hopes of making himself at least somewhat presentable he unlocks the door with his other hand and promptly gets shoved to the side by Dakin breezing into his small room and promptly throwing himself on Scripps bed as if he owns the place. He seizes him up and down and raises an eyebrow.  
You look like you had an interesting night.” he says in a mocking voice.   
Scripps flips him off which just serves to make Dakin laugh at him.  
“Nah seriously mate you look like shit.” he fixates him, for once looking seriously “Has this to do with why I found Posner wandering around campus in the middle of the night? Couldn’t really find out what happened from him but he seemed pretty out of it.”   
“What?” Scripps brain takes several seconds to catch up with what Dakin is telling him “What have you done with him?” he asks, his voice sounding way more accusing than he intends to and Dakins eyebrows raise again, his face getting that smug look Scripps sometimes really hates about him.  
“Oh I see…” Dakin laughs again and stands up striding forwards “Someone’s jealous..” he sings in a mocking voice.  
“I am not jealous.” Scripps hits Dakin in the shoulder which just makes him laugh even more. “Now could you please stop laughing and tell me what happend?”  
“Not much to tell, I found our poor Posner wandering the campus as I came back from this party. Have you ever seen him drunk? Because it is hilarious, I tell you. I took him to my room, couldn’t leave the poor soul wandering the grounds like this now, could I?” Dakin shrugs, looking sober again and also kind of worried.   
“Oh shit.”   
“Yeah you don’t say. So would you care to clear up what happened?” Dakins voice holds a certain demand to this question and Scripps makes a vague movement for him to sit back down again.  
“Where's Posner now?” He asks him before settling down himself.  
“Still passed out at my bed, last I saw him. Left him a bottle of water and a painkiller. Don’t say I don't care for my friends.” Scripps nods and takes a deep breath, trying to sort out his thoughts.

“When did you know you liked Irwin?” He finally starts.  
“Who said I liked him?” Dakin answer comes way too quick to fool Scripps and his face must say as much. He’s never seen Dakin blush before but he does now. “Alright, alright I might like him a bit. And I can’t tell you when I realized. I just thought it was fun, just a bit of teasing. Getting sucked off seemed like a good idea at that point.” Dakin shrugs again. “I think at some point I just realized that sex isn’t everything I might be interested in, with him I mean. Haven’t really told anyone that yet. Certainly not him” Scripps had never seen Dakin so honest and it kind of surprised him. But as the black haired man looks at him, he realizes that now it’s his turn to be honest.  
“I think I realized that I’m in love with Posner yesterday.” He admits quietly,gazing at his fidgeting fingers.  
“Yesterday?” Dakins surprised voice makes him look up again.  
“I am pouring out my heart and the one thing you comment on is my timing?”   
“Yes well, I assumed you knew that you were in love with him! You have been making sweet eyes on him for months!” Dakin looked about ready to start laughing again and Scripps was very grateful that he restrained himself.  
“I guess I am kind of a late bloomer..” he murmurs “I never gave much thought to it. He’s in love with you after all.” Scripps snapps at Dakin and is taken aback by him blurting out in full on laughter. It’s several seconds before Dakin is able to speak again.  
“Where did you get that idea?” Dakin asks him, still giggling  
“He’s been in love with you since we were in school, you know that.” Scripps rolls his eyes.  
“Has been, yes. He’s long gotten over that.” Dakin fixes him with that serious gaze again and Scripps is reminded of Irwin. He shakes his head.  
“He still looks at you though.” he says timidly  
“He’s definitely not in love with me. I talked about it with him some time in our first year. Had a good laugh about it too.” This surprised Scripps, none of them ever mentioned it to him.  
“Why is he still looking at you then?” Scripps doesn't dare to look at Dakin posing that question.  
“What he’s not allowed to look at me anymore? I am quite handsome, I have you know.” Dakin laughs again “ No seriously I think he’s jealous. Of me having some resemblance of a relationship that is.” Scripps raises his head in surprise. He hasn’t had a conversation this serious with Dakin in months and is surprised by the insight Dakin is offering him. “You’re a mess, you know that?” Dakin laughs at him again and gives him a playful shove.  
“Oh I Am sorry for not having your confidence.” Scripps shoves him back.  
“Oh Scrippsy. You’re in for it deep. How about you talk about it with Posner?” before Scripps is able to answer, Dakin has stood up and taken Scripps by his arm, dragging him to the door and slipping a key in his hands. “Don’t do anything I wouldn't do. and don't worry about the bed, I can change the sheets.” Dakin winks at him and closes the door in his face. Standing outside of his own dorm room without a key, but with a key for the room Posner is currently staying at, Scripps contemplates his choices for a few seconds, before pocketing the key and making his way out of the building.


	2. “You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say.”  ― Paulo Coelho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry, this chapter wasnt beta read, so if there are some major mistakes, please keep in mind that english isnt my first language.

The air outside is cold and the sun is still low, he figures it’s before 8am still. No wonder he feels like he has been run over by a train. He wonders how Dakin managed to be this awake at this hour, but Dakin had always been different than them. He should be grateful that he found Posner. He is grateful that Dakin found him. He doesn’t really want to think about what could have happened to Posner otherwise. He should know better than to drink on his own, whatever drove him to be so reckless. It’s not like him to be like this.    
He should better worry about what to say or do once he's at Dakins. It’s easier with music, he thinks to himself, while walking across the dew-damp grass of his campus. He never had problems to talk with Posner before, but also he never realized that he was in love with him.   
“I’m in love with him” he murmurs under his breath, and it suddenly feels so very real, he worries about not being able to breath for a second. But his lungs fill with air, as usual and his feet are still carrying over the grass, and he world is still turning. Nothing has changed. But at the same time everything is changed.

 

He comes to a halt in front of Dakins building, suddenly not sure anymore about himself. But he remembers that Dakin is at his room and that he has no other choice than to stay at Dakins room. And talk it over with Posner apparently. The sun is standing higher and shines on his back, offering a comforting warmth that fills him with new courage and he enters the building, rummaging through his pockets for the key to Dakins room.

He hesitates again in front of the door, key in the hand. But he’s come too far to just chicken out now. So he unlocks the door as silently as he can and enters the still darkened room. 

 

His eyes take a few seconds to adjust to the dim light inside. But once they do his eyes are immediately drawn to a small form laying in Dakins bed. He silently draws nearer, making sure not to trapse on any of the books and papers strewn across the floor. Posner lays curled up on the duvet and Scripps can’t help but notice how ashen his face looks. He carefully sits down on the side of the bed, but the movement is already enough to disturb POsner's sleep and he rolls around groaning.

“What the hell..” he mumbles, sounding as miserable as Scripps suddenly feels. He has half a mind to try and sneak out again, but naturally this is when Posner turns around and notices him sitting on the bed.   
“What are you doing in my room?” Posner mumbles

“Actually we are at Dakins.” Scripps points out, resisting the urge to brush a few stray hairs out of Posner's face.   
“I think I am dying.” Posner admits almost too low for Scripps to make out his words.

“Dakin told me he found you drunk.” Scripps tries to keep his voice as free of judgment as he can manage

“Oh shit!” Posner groans again and Scripps feels bad for him all over again. “Wait. If this is Dakins room, why are you here. And where is Dakin?” Posner tries to sit up, but fails miserably, instead falling back into his original position.

“He seemed to think I would be better in dealing with drunk people.” Scripps tries to joke but the only reaction he gets from Posner is another groan.

“‘m not drunk” he mumbles “at least not anymore.” he adds after a moment of consideration.

“Well that's a start.” Scripps laughs fondly..

“So why are you here?” Posner tries to sit up again and this time almost succeeded, sitting half up right at least, and only looking half worse for wear.

“Why shouldn’t I be? You’re my friend.” Scripps tries to smile as innocently as possible at Posner.   
“Yeah you were in an awful hurry to get away from me, for a friend.” Posner mumbles quietly, apparently not realizing he’s speaking, if the way his expression grew panicked a second later is anything to go by.” I. I didn’t:” he tries to backtrack.

“It's okay, you’re right” Scripps quickly replies. “I was quite rude yesterday. But that's surely not the reason you got drunk.”

“No.” Posner's reply comes far too quick and Scripps knows him long enough to know what his voice sound like when he’s lying. 

“Why then?”  he inquiries. Posner's silence is answer enough for him and he doesn’t want to push him. “How do you feel?” he instead asks.   
“Like I died..” Posner relpies quietly.

Scripps reaches across the bed for the water bottle and unscrews it, offering it to Posner, who smiles gratefully. He takes a few sips, leaning back against the wall and closing his eyes.

They sit together in silence for a few moments.

  
“Why did you run away yesterday?” Posner finally breaks the silence with his question.

“I… The answer to that question is kind of complicated.” Scripps admits carefully, still not sure how he could tell Posner what he realized.   
“You don’t have to tell me.” Posner quickly tells him, but Scripps shakes his head at this.   
“You gotta promise me that we are staying friends, no matter what I tell you, okay?” he looks at Posner, who opens his eyes at his serious tone and solemnly nods.

Scripps nods too and draws a deep breath, debating on how to start his confession.

Posner musters him curiously, still taking small sips from the bottle, but sensing that he better stays quiet.

 

“You know the church keeps telling me that being homosexual is against the godly law, and I keep arguing that love is love. And who would we be to judge something God has given us. But the pastor doesn’t agree with me.” Scripps starts, wringing his hands, and avoiding eye contact with Posner, as to not lose his courage. “And do you remember back at Sheffield? Once Timms argued with Hector that he doesn't understand poetry because the stuff in it hasn’t happened to us yet. I think most of us laughed at that. But I couldn’t help but agree with him. Because I never understood all those poems that talk about love. Obviously I never admitted that before…” Scripps voice drawls out and he looks up at Posner, searching his face for any kind of hint. Of what exactly, he isn’t sure himself.

 

Posner's face is mindfully blank, but his eyes are staring at Scripps in confusion.   
“What has that to do with it?” 

“I ...I may have realized yesterday that I understand what those poems are about.” Scripps voice is barely a whisper, but in the quiet of the room Posner still understands what he says. 

“You..You’re in love?” Posner asks cautiously. Scripps doesn’t dare respond, fearing that his voice betrays him and instead just nods.

“Oh.” Posner's somber exclamation catches Scripps attention and he looks up to see Posner's face saddening again. “So you ran off to tell her..” 

“I...What?” Scripps shakes his head vigorously. “That's not what I was trying to say.” Posner looks up from where he fixated on the duvet and Scripps notices how he seems even smaller like this, curled up into himself.

Scripps looks at this boy he knows for most of his life and thinks back at all those things they went through together. All those times he defended the younger boy, all those holidays spent at each others places. So many happy memories. And in this moment he knows, whatever happens, they would be fine. Because he cares about this small jewish boy from Sheffield, in whatever way he would accept it.   
“I...I was trying to tell you that I think that I have fallen in love with you. And somehow failed to notice that until yesterday.” the words fall out of his mouth before his brain catches up with him and he fully understands his own decision to share them. 

 

There’s silence. He never knew how loud silence could be. They both sit there, not daring to look up.

 

Finally Posner moves again, sitting up fully and clearing his throat “Is this...Are you serious?” he asks, his voice almost breaking on the question. 

Scripps moves so he’s facing Posner and nods “Yeah I am.”    
There is a short pause, only a heartbeat, and suddenly Scripps is thrown back onto the bed by Posner throwing his whole body at him and sealing their lips together.    
It's incredible awkward. Posner's lips are tasting of stale beer, Scripps is painfully aware of the fact that he didn’t brush his teeth this morning and that they are on Dakins bed. But then Posner opens his mouth, his tongue licking on Scripps lips and he opens his mouth and it's a flurry of motion and they are both breathless. 

It’s an absolute mess and it's perfect. 

Scripps grabs hold of Posner's hair, grateful that he has grown it out a bit and slightly tugs on it, which makes Posner groan lowly. Scripps becomes painfully aware of how hard this is making him and he has half a mind to be embarrassed by it, but a moment later Posner bites his lower lip and pushes his own hard dick against Scripps’ groin and all coherent thoughts leave his head. It’s a lot of frantic motions after that. At one point Posner's mouth leaves his and trails down his throat and it leaves him absolutely breathless. Until Posner bites down on the place where his shoulder meets his neck and wasn’t even aware he could feel this much at once. He grabs hold of Posner's hips to steady himself but it has the opposite effect since it only angles their hips better.Posner is now sucking on his skin, and it sends a tingling feeling through his body. This is when he finally stops trying to control the situation and just lets go.

 

Afterwards the both lay side by side, panting synchronously and both grinning like idiots. Scripps feels around until his hand finds Posner's and he grabs hold of it. He turns his head, facing Posner and smiles at him. Posner returns his smile fondly. They lay like this for several minutes, holding hands and just smiling at each other.

 

“This is weird.” Posner tells him, after some while “I haven’t come into my pants since I was around thirteen.” he chuckles.   
“And we are on Dakins bed too” Scripps giggles and soon both of them are laughing like mad men, every time one of them calms down the other one starts up again. It takes another few minutes for them to calm themselves.

They end up sitting besides each other, almost touching but not quiet.

“So what now?” Posner asks sounding uneasy. Scripps moves his arm to embrace the smaller man and pulls him closer. Pressing a kiss on his hair he whispers “I guess we could try being together?” 

Posner pulls back and smiles at him brightly “Yes I’d like that.” he agrees and and kisses him again.


End file.
